I realized something that I do when I feel rejected by someone. I overly try and see things from their point of view. Which sounds like a wise and kind thing to do, but I realized most of the reason I’m doing it, is to avoid the sting of rejection and hurt feelings.

I got married 3 years ago and immediately got pregnant. Then the weirdest thing happened, a few of my really close friends and some family became distant, the very people I felt would be the most involved in my life and my baby daughters, became the ones I hardly knew or saw anymore. Nothing happened and there wasn’t any drama, there was just this sudden distance that seemed to come with my new stage of life. I obsessively thought of all the reasons they didn’t seem to want to be a part of my new family, and convinced myself that they were all having really difficult stages of life (which they were) but then last week my daughter was watching Frozen and Do you wanna build a snowman came on and I started weeping. I felt her pain! My feelings were crazy hurt, and I couldn’t explain them away anymore. I felt rejected by some of the people I loved the most and it hurt. Even if people have good reasons to be distant, it’s still disappointing and hurtful.

My childhood abuse made me feel so incredibly rejected not only by my abuser, (because he was my biological dad) but by anyone that would know this about me. I struggled to find my worth and my biggest fear was someone thinking I was less than because of my abuse. So much of my life I avoided vulnerable relationships, or being completely honest out of fear of rejection.

Then God perfectly placed this book Uninvited by Lysa TerKeurst in my life and this quote struck me “God’s love isn’t based on me. It’s simply placed on me. And it’s the place from which I should live…loved.” People can and will let you down and I know I’ve let people down too, nobody is perfect, but God is! He will always love me and want me no matter what. So when my heart is hurting, I’m trying to remind myself to “live loved” because I am, and so are you!

When the eye twitch is strong, I search for God in the chaos.

I’m an emotions stuffer, I always have been. I think it’s part my personality and part survival tactic of a childhood abuse survivor, so I’m not always sure how I’m feeling or what I’m feeling. What I have learned is my body tells me when I’m stressed  and when I’m extremely  stressed or overwhelmed I get the good ol eye twitch.  Right now my eye twitch is going strong. I have been in one of those survival mode stages of life for the last couple of years and it’s exhausting and hard. God gave me a verse  a couple weeks ago  Galatians  6:9 “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” I needed that verse and and I love that God comforted me with it.

God called  me to be a voice in the MeToo movement, at a time in my life I was the most weary, had the least resources and time, and  God has been with me through it all, providing, comforting, and giving me strength the entire way.

One of the things I learned young during my abuse was to find God in the chaos, and it’s what I  have continued to do throughout life, especially in the hard times. He is always there. It doesn’t mean I understand it, or like it ,or wish that it could be different, but I can honestly say that when I look to see where God is in my mess, He is always there.

If you are in one of those eye twitch stages of life, I see you. It’s hard.  It won’t last forever, and you are not alone.

Living that awkward life.

When I decided to start this blog and be vulnerable with my story in the hope of helping others, one of the things I didn’t expect was how awkward I was gonna make things for people and environments. I kinda feel like a cop when people see me they slow down and make sure they are following the body safety rules. 😂

I decided to kick the awkward up a notch, and start a podcast with my sister called Talking about the no no’s. It’s hopeful conversations about the hard stuff, with regular people telling their stories. The first series is my story. It’s a series on sexual assault, and the last episode airs tomorrow. I’m incredibly proud of this podcast and my series. I’ve received a lot of great feedback from people telling me how helpful this was for them, and how appreciative they are that this subject is being talked about. I’ve also got a lot of “I’m scared to listen to it.” and both are honest feedback. When you start a blog and podcast on heavy subjects, you don’t exactly gain a huge fan base or have the most likes on Instagram. I started both of these things to help the people it’s suppose to help, even if it’s only 1.

I’ve been reflecting on my series ending, and how awkward my life has been lately, and I decided that I’m proud of my new awkward life. It’s freeing to not be silenced by my abuse anymore, or care what others will think if they know. Living a vulnerable and open life just makes things awkward, and that’s not a bad thing, especially if it’s helping others.

Live your best awkward life!

The people who lean in.

Yesterday I taught a class on sexual abuse awareness to a group of people who are amazing speakers, to say that was intimidating would be an understatement. I already have stage freight, and I definitely stumbled through words, and rushed through parts I had prepared more, my eye started twitching, and my legs were shaking, but God was with me, and got me through it. The information was shared and the the audience was gracious and kind.

When God called me to be a voice in this sexual assault movement, it was easy to think of all the reasons why someone else would be better at it then me, in fact most of the ways I’m using my voice are my biggest weaknesses instead of my strengths. So I’m counting on the Holy Spirt to work, and I’m trusting that God picked me, so all of my insecurities about it I can give to Him, and just follow His lead.

I say all of this because being vulnerable is hard, and so is using your voice. Survivor stories are powerful and can bring healing and hope to many. We are not all these amazing speakers but that doesn’t make our story less helpful.

I was reflecting on what has helped me the most with starting this journey, and it’s been the people that not only support me, but leaned in to be a part of it.

To all the people who have leaned in, I cherish your support more than you know.

When you risk the shame.

I was listening to Pastor Ben Stuart preaching on Luke 7:36 Where a women with a bad reputation comes to a dinner party, risk’s the shame of what the people will think or say to her, to pour perfume on Jesus’s feet, thanking Him and worshiping Him for his forgiveness of her sins. I loved that the pastor described her as “risking shame”, it struck me as beautiful for a lot of reasons, but what felt personal to me in this story, is how every time I tell my survivor story I risk shame.

What is so hard about Sexual abuse and assault, is that even though NONE of it is the victims fault, you are left feeling the shame of it. I personally was in a prison of shame for many, many years and shame takes a toll on your soul and it’s a heavy weight to carry. What is so beautiful about the story above is that Jesus took her shame and He took mine, and as the pastor perfectly described “turned our ugly things into something beautiful.”

Because of Jesus graciously freeing me from the shame and silence of my abuse, I’m able to tell my story in the hopes that it brings other survivors out of their silence and encourages them that healing is possible.

Survivor, you are not alone, I know the shame you are risking every time you share your story and I know how incredibly brave and hard that is to do.

A hard pill to swallow about sexual abuse.

We care more about offending adults than protecting kids. I’ve wanted to write about this topic for awhile, but just like the sentence above, I was worried about offending adults.

The past six months that I’ve been researching for my blog, reading, talking with, and watching survivor stories, the one same theme in all of the stories is… most people would rather be wrong about a possible victim, than be wrong about a possible predator.

Here’s just a couple of stories ( but there is countless) that support predators over victims this year. A bus driver pleaded guilty to raping a 14 year-old-girl and he only got probation, because he had no prior arrests and there was only one victim according to the judge. The judge was more concerned for the rapists future, then the innocent child’s future. And to be clear, one victim is too many. Here’s a list of some of the challenges this girl may have to endure because of this horrendous sin and crime committed against her.

  • Feelings of guilt and shame
  • Feeling different or alone
  • Confusion
  • Anger
  • Low Self-Esteem
  • Dissociation
  • Fear
  • Hatred
  • Depression
  • Promiscuity
  • Eating Disorders
  • Body Image issues
  • Anxiety
  • Substance Abuse
  • Self Injurious Behavior
  • PTSD
  • Flashbacks

Another story, Church hired pastor without checking criminal record-then said it didn’t matter. This pastor pleaded guilty to two crimes against children and served a year in prison and his church is defending him, meanwhile putting the children at the church at risk as well as showing no regards to how other adult survivors would feel with him in this position. Jesus can save anyone, even pedophiles, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have consequences for their sins, and one of their consequences is they don’t get to be in a position of authority over children, and if they are truly repentant they wouldn’t even try to be.

Parents, caregivers, and adults in general please, ask the hard questions, be okay with offending someone and lean always on the side of protecting children over protecting an adults ego when it comes to who we allow to be around our children.

The power of embarrassment.

Think about your most embarrassing moment. It’s often when you were a kid , and your biggest concern was avoiding embarrassment at all cost. Or it could be at 30 years old like me, when I went a little heavy handed on the laxatives after surgery and pooped my bed! Everybody has a story, or a few, and the interesting thing about your most embarrassing moments are, they are only told to those you trust the most. It’s almost a seal of approval on new friendships or relationships. These stories are not a first date conversation or a getting to know you topic. They are reserved for those who have earned your trust.

One of the biggest silencers for me on my sexual assault  was embarrassment. It’s strange how much power things that embarrass can have over you. You often hear victims stay silent because of shame or fear but I never  heard much about staying silent because of embarrassment, and for me that was probably my biggest reason.

The other interesting thing about embarrassment is, that once you have healed from that situation it has zero power over you. Those moments that once left you paralyzed, now become your story, and  biggest weapon to help others, and create stronger bonds.  I am so very thankful for those safe people through out my life that I was able to share my moments  with, free from  judgment.

 For those who are struggling with embarrassment from abuse, none of the embarrassment falls on you, that belongs ONLY to the abuser.  I pray for  safe people in your  life, and freedom in your healing. 

Support for parents of abuse victims.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the parents of abuse victims, and how hard it must be for them, and the lack of support they often have. Now that I’m a Mom it hits me even harder, even just the thought of this happening to my daughter breaks my heart into a million pieces. Im so thankful I had a Mom who believed me, fought for me, and supported me when I told, and continues to support me today. I want to publicly thank her and let her know what it meant to me, I hope this will also bring encouragement to other parents as well.

Thank you Mom,

For believing me immediately, and for fighting for me, even when it wasn’t the outcome we wanted. That helped me to know I was valued and worth fighting for.

Thank you for putting me in counseling and always encouraging me to continue to seek healing as an adult. That helped me to be hopeful, believe healing was possible, and that I wasn’t a lost cause or damaged beyond repair.

Thank you for allowing me to heal on my own terms and timeline. That helped me to be ok with not being ok, and that I was loved unconditionally.

Thank you for continuing to stand up and fight for me, even when you were being attacked and lied about by my abuser. This taught me to stand up for what’s right, even when it’s hard and scary, and people are against me. This made me brave.

Thank you for honoring my boundaries. This helped me to stick up for myself, and my boundaries without shame.

Thank you for being strong for me when I’m sure all you wanted to do was fall apart. This made my healing possible.

You are my hero, and I love you so much.

When abuse is in the family.

I can remember the exact day I realized that I was an incest victim, I was in 8th grade at the movies with a group of friends, it was part of the plot in the movie. My heart sank, I felt exposed and if you could die of embarrassment and shame, I would have dropped dead in my seat. I felt shattered in that moment and none of my friends had a single clue any of that was going on inside of me. Because my abuser was my biological father the layers and family dynamics have and still are so complicated. As I’m writing this as a 39 year old, my father is still trying to convince people that I am a liar, and made all this up, and that he is the actual victim. If you are a victim of incest, you are not alone, it’s not your fault and you didn’t deserve it. I understand the many more layers this adds to your healing and the never ending family drama this can cause when you refuse to be silent about it. You are not responsible for any of the mess this may bring to your family, ALL of the resposibilty belongs to the abuser.

Here is what I would have told my 8th grade self now.

You get through it. You are not alone, you are not the only one who has been through incest. None of the shame or embarrassment falls on you, all of that belongs to your dad. You don’t owe anyone, especially family, any proof or explanation for any of the the abuse you had to go through, the right and helpful ones will believe you automatically. healing comes, you are not dirty, used, unlovable or guilty for any of this. You will actually become incredibly strong and God uses you to help others who are hurting in some amazing ways. You will never get the apology you wanted so bad, but God frees you from needing that, and that is one of the best gifts you will ever receive. You become a wife and a mother and you feel so incredibly loved by Jesus. You don’t have to stay quiet just to keep the peace in the family,  and even though it’s a hard thing for people to hear, you aren’t responsible for the drama is causes, you will be believed and supported by most. This is only a part of your story, and this doesn’t define who you are, or hold you back from fufilling the purpose God has for your life.

Sexual assault and the God and church struggle.

“My argument against God was that the universe seemed so cruel and unjust. But how had I got this idea of just and unjust? A man does not call a line crooked unless he has some idea of a straight line. What was I comparing this universe with when I called it unjust?” C.S. Lewis

Many survivors struggle with God ,and or church. Sexual assault is a horrendous sin and crime, and It’s completely normal and understandable to have this struggle. One of my counselors told me that sexual abuse is an attack on your soul, and that put words to something I felt so deeply. I personally never struggled with God, I felt like God was my only safe place, but I had a huge struggle with the church and pastors specifically.

The church for me, has been a place of pain and a place of comfort. I’m hoping my stories of both will help with supporting survivors better.

When I was at 6th grade church camp, I told my counselor I was being abused by my dad, she rightfully told the pastor who happened to also be my uncle. He did nothing about it, and told no one. At that point the Justice system had already failed me and now a Pastor and family member also did the same. That was when I finally stopped telling.

Another time I was hurt by the church was at another church camp, I was 17, they separated the boys and the girls and they had us sign a paper that we would stay virgins until we were married, and if we had already messed up we had to sign the secondary virgin paper. This was awful for many reasons, but especially for a young girl who was abused, this made my shame and guilt a million times worse. I loved Jesus deeply but both of these experiences drove me away from the church for a long time, I felt like pastors and christians just couldn’t be trusted and I wanted nothing to do with them.

Thankfully I also had incredibly helpful and loving christians in my life as well, that helped me along the way. My Mom who fought and did all that she could to help me, believed me and loved me. My Grandma who always pointed me to Jesus and talked to me endlesly about Him and all of the millions of questions I had about Him and the Bible. Beneta, my safe person and counselor who taught me that Jesus sees me as pure, beautiful and innocent and helped me properly see Gods grace and love for me. My Seattle church pastors and community who redeemed the hurt I felt by my previous experience and helped nurture my love of Gods people again, and a joy for serving the church. My current San Diego church and community who have been so incredibly supportive of me, and my blog, and who want to be better educated on this subject.

I’ve learned along the way to fight against the lies that we can believe with Gods truths. And the truth is, God loves you even if you don’t love him back. He grieves with you, seeks justice for you and wants healing for you. The most beautiful depiction of this is the cross. ” All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith.” Romans 3:23-25

Healing is a long journey, with many struggles along the way, but there is hope for your healing.