I have a sweet friend who is battling Stage 4 cancer for the second time. Whenever she tells her story to someone new she starts with, “My story is a God story.” I love her for that- for so many reasons. That is exactly how I feel about my story.
My abuser is my biological father. He abused me in all forms, but sexual abuse was the most frequent. I remember it starting at the age of three, and the last incident occured when I was 18 years old.
One of the first attacks from my dad that I remember was when we’re left alone for some reason and as soon as we were, he immediately grabbed me and put me in his room. His whole demeanor changed but his eyes changed and that scared me the most. They looked completely different- they were dark and his pupils were huge. I was too young to understand what was happening, but I knew it was bad. My heart began to beat out of my chest, and just when the abuse began I felt an overwhelming wave of protection come over me. I didn’t feel a thing, and I was in complete peace. I was too young to know that was God, but as soon as I heard about Jesus, I knew with all my heart that was Him.
My next abuser was my high school boyfriend. I was 19 years old when he raped me. It was a one-time incident and I dated him another two years after this happened.
To this day almost no one knows this part of my story, but if I want my story to be helpful to other survivors and create awareness, I have to be completely honest.
I’m still working through why I’ve hidden this more than the abuse from my dad. I know one of the reasons was because I didn’t want to be known as the girl who was abused by her dad and also the girl who was raped. I didn’t want to deal with this happening to me again, so I buried it deep inside and tried my best to act like it never happened.
After the rape, I went into the darkest place I have ever been, and stayed in that place for years. Through those years God never left me and patiently guided me through my healing, anger, and doubts.
As I was writing this, God put this verse on my heart. Genesis 50:20 “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” I thank God for using some of my darkest and hardest times to help others who have been through the same.