Tag: jesusheals

When the eye twitch is strong, I search for God in the chaos.

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I’m an emotions stuffer, I always have been. I think it’s part my personality and part survival tactic of a childhood abuse survivor, so I’m not always sure how I’m feeling or what I’m feeling. What I have learned is my body tells me when I’m stressed  and when I’m extremely  stressed or overwhelmed I get the good ol eye twitch.  Right now my eye twitch is going strong. I have been in one of those survival mode stages of life for the last couple of years and it’s exhausting and hard. God gave me a verse  a couple weeks ago  Galatians  6:9 “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” I needed that verse and and I love that God comforted me with it.

God called  me to be a voice in the MeToo movement, at a time in my life I was the most weary, had the least resources and time, and  God has been with me through it all, providing, comforting, and giving me strength the entire way.

One of the things I learned young during my abuse was to find God in the chaos, and it’s what I  have continued to do throughout life, especially in the hard times. He is always there. It doesn’t mean I understand it, or like it ,or wish that it could be different, but I can honestly say that when I look to see where God is in my mess, He is always there.

If you are in one of those eye twitch stages of life, I see you. It’s hard.  It won’t last forever, and you are not alone.

Forgiveness

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“To forgive is to “swallow” evil and prevent it from going further.” Tolstoy

2010 was a huge year for me, I turned 30, went to Africa and London, but nothing would compare to the miraculous gift God gave me that year.

While I was in Africa, we were talking one evening with some of the people of the village and they were telling us there were a lot of young girls pregnant because the men in that village were raping them. Because they were pregnant they were kicked out of school and the men were not being held accountable in any way. They were understandably outraged as was I. I couldn’t talk or hear another word, I went to my room and cried all night. That was the angriest I have ever felt, I truly hated those men and felt I could have killed them in that moment.

After that trip, I was still completely heartbroken for those girls and processing a lot. I was in a church service and the topic was on forgiveness. I felt God nudge me to write a letter to my dad ( my abuser).

I wanted nothing to do with that. I told God I wouldn’t do it unless it was sincere, and the only thing I was sincere about with my dad was how much I hated him. God kept nudging me to just write. I finally started and as I began to type the first word the Holy Spirit overwhelmed me and completely melted my hard heart towards my dad. Jesus wrecked me with his grace and forgiveness for me. I felt free and so completely loved by God. I was free from being enslaved to my anger, I was freed from being a victim and I was free to let God handle and judge the sins of abusers. Forgiveness for my abuser was a miracle that only God could perform and was a life changing amazing gift to receive.

The LORD reigns forever; he has established his throne for judgment. He rules the world in righteousness and judges the people with equity. The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you. Psalm 9:7-10

My survivor story.

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I have a sweet friend who is battling Stage 4 cancer for the second time. Whenever she tells her story to someone new she starts with, “My story is a God story.” I love her for that- for so many reasons. That is exactly how I feel about my story.

My abuser is my biological father. He abused me in all forms, but sexual abuse was the most frequent. I remember it starting at the age of three, and the last incident occured when I was 18 years old.

One of the first attacks from my dad that I remember was when we’re left alone for some reason and as soon as we were, he immediately grabbed me and put me in his room. His whole demeanor changed but his eyes changed and that scared me the most. They looked completely different- they were dark and his pupils were huge. I was too young to understand what was happening, but I knew it was bad. My heart began to beat out of my chest, and just when the abuse began I felt an overwhelming wave of protection come over me. I didn’t feel a thing, and I was in complete peace. I was too young to know that was God, but as soon as I heard about Jesus, I knew with all my heart that was Him.

My next abuser was my high school boyfriend. I was 19 years old when he raped me. It was a one-time incident and I dated him another two years after this happened.

To this day almost no one knows this part of my story, but if I want my story to be helpful to other survivors and create awareness, I have to be completely honest.

I’m still working through why I’ve hidden this more than the abuse from my dad. I know one of the reasons was because I didn’t want to be known as the girl who was abused by her dad and also the girl who was raped. I didn’t want to deal with this happening to me again, so I buried it deep inside and tried my best to act like it never happened.

After the rape, I went into the darkest place I have ever been, and stayed in that place for years. Through those years God never left me and patiently guided me through my healing, anger, and doubts.

As I was writing this, God put this verse on my heart. Genesis 50:20 “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” I thank God for using some of my darkest and hardest times to help others who have been through the same.