My survivor story.

I have a sweet friend who is battling Stage 4 cancer for the second time. Whenever she tells her story to someone new she starts with, “My story is a God story.” I love her for that- for so many reasons. That is exactly how I feel about my story.

My abuser is my biological father. He abused me in all forms, but sexual abuse was the most frequent. I remember it starting at the age of three, and the last incident occured when I was 18 years old.

One of the first attacks from my dad that I remember was when we’re left alone for some reason and as soon as we were, he immediately grabbed me and put me in his room. His whole demeanor changed but his eyes changed and that scared me the most. They looked completely different- they were dark and his pupils were huge. I was too young to understand what was happening, but I knew it was bad. My heart began to beat out of my chest, and just when the abuse began I felt an overwhelming wave of protection come over me. I didn’t feel a thing, and I was in complete peace. I was too young to know that was God, but as soon as I heard about Jesus, I knew with all my heart that was Him.

My next abuser was my high school boyfriend. I was 19 years old when he raped me. It was a one-time incident and I dated him another two years after this happened.

To this day almost no one knows this part of my story, but if I want my story to be helpful to other survivors and create awareness, I have to be completely honest.

I’m still working through why I’ve hidden this more than the abuse from my dad. I know one of the reasons was because I didn’t want to be known as the girl who was abused by her dad and also the girl who was raped. I didn’t want to deal with this happening to me again, so I buried it deep inside and tried my best to act like it never happened.

After the rape, I went into the darkest place I have ever been, and stayed in that place for years. Through those years God never left me and patiently guided me through my healing, anger, and doubts.

As I was writing this, God put this verse on my heart. Genesis 50:20 “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” I thank God for using some of my darkest and hardest times to help others who have been through the same.

A message to the R.Kelly survivors.

For those of you unfamiliar with the R. Kelly documentary here is an article to fill you in. https://www.nytimes.com/2019/01/04/arts/music/surviving-r-kelly.html

To the brave women who shared their story, thank you and I believe you. I believe you. I believe you.

Thank you for standing up against your abuser and standing up for the other victims. As a survivor myself, I know how painful and hard it is to tell your story, to relive the horrendous memories and the nightmares. It’s an incredibly vulnerable place to put yourself in and I have the utmost respect for you all.

You did the right thing.

Thank you for being a voice on a subject that is so misunderstood and often is left unspoken of. Thank you for being a part of the change to bring light into this darkness.

Thank you for your bravery to speak out in such a public way ,that you were able to reach hurting people all over the world. I pray that the amount of people you were able to help gives you peace and strength in your journey of healing.

I’m so sorry you had to go through this.

I pray that you all know how valuable and loved you are, how important your lives are and that the only one who should be feeling any shame is R Kelly.

Matthew 10:26-31

”So do not be afraid of them, for there is nothing concealed or hidden that will not be made known. What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs. Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your hair are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”