Tag: mentoo

The power of embarrassment.

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Think about your most embarrassing moment. It’s often when you were a kid , and your biggest concern was avoiding embarrassment at all cost. Or it could be at 30 years old like me, when I went a little heavy handed on the laxatives after surgery and pooped my bed! Everybody has a story, or a few, and the interesting thing about your most embarrassing moments are, they are only told to those you trust the most. It’s almost a seal of approval on new friendships or relationships. These stories are not a first date conversation or a getting to know you topic. They are reserved for those who have earned your trust.

One of the biggest silencers for me on my sexual assault  was embarrassment. It’s strange how much power things that embarrass can have over you. You often hear victims stay silent because of shame or fear but I never  heard much about staying silent because of embarrassment, and for me that was probably my biggest reason.

The other interesting thing about embarrassment is, that once you have healed from that situation it has zero power over you. Those moments that once left you paralyzed, now become your story, and  biggest weapon to help others, and create stronger bonds.  I am so very thankful for those safe people through out my life that I was able to share my moments  with, free from  judgment.

 For those who are struggling with embarrassment from abuse, none of the embarrassment falls on you, that belongs ONLY to the abuser.  I pray for  safe people in your  life, and freedom in your healing. 

Support for parents of abuse victims.

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I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the parents of abuse victims, and how hard it must be for them, and the lack of support they often have. Now that I’m a Mom it hits me even harder, even just the thought of this happening to my daughter breaks my heart into a million pieces. Im so thankful I had a Mom who believed me, fought for me, and supported me when I told, and continues to support me today. I want to publicly thank her and let her know what it meant to me, I hope this will also bring encouragement to other parents as well.

Thank you Mom,

For believing me immediately, and for fighting for me, even when it wasn’t the outcome we wanted. That helped me to know I was valued and worth fighting for.

Thank you for putting me in counseling and always encouraging me to continue to seek healing as an adult. That helped me to be hopeful, believe healing was possible, and that I wasn’t a lost cause or damaged beyond repair.

Thank you for allowing me to heal on my own terms and timeline. That helped me to be ok with not being ok, and that I was loved unconditionally.

Thank you for continuing to stand up and fight for me, even when you were being attacked and lied about by my abuser. This taught me to stand up for what’s right, even when it’s hard and scary, and people are against me. This made me brave.

Thank you for honoring my boundaries. This helped me to stick up for myself, and my boundaries without shame.

Thank you for being strong for me when I’m sure all you wanted to do was fall apart. This made my healing possible.

You are my hero, and I love you so much.

Sexual assault and the God and church struggle.

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“My argument against God was that the universe seemed so cruel and unjust. But how had I got this idea of just and unjust? A man does not call a line crooked unless he has some idea of a straight line. What was I comparing this universe with when I called it unjust?” C.S. Lewis

Many survivors struggle with God ,and or church. Sexual assault is a horrendous sin and crime, and It’s completely normal and understandable to have this struggle. One of my counselors told me that sexual abuse is an attack on your soul, and that put words to something I felt so deeply. I personally never struggled with God, I felt like God was my only safe place, but I had a huge struggle with the church and pastors specifically.

The church for me, has been a place of pain and a place of comfort. I’m hoping my stories of both will help with supporting survivors better.

When I was at 6th grade church camp, I told my counselor I was being abused by my dad, she rightfully told the pastor who happened to also be my uncle. He did nothing about it, and told no one. At that point the Justice system had already failed me and now a Pastor and family member also did the same. That was when I finally stopped telling.

Another time I was hurt by the church was at another church camp, I was 17, they separated the boys and the girls and they had us sign a paper that we would stay virgins until we were married, and if we had already messed up we had to sign the secondary virgin paper. This was awful for many reasons, but especially for a young girl who was abused, this made my shame and guilt a million times worse. I loved Jesus deeply but both of these experiences drove me away from the church for a long time, I felt like pastors and christians just couldn’t be trusted and I wanted nothing to do with them.

Thankfully I also had incredibly helpful and loving christians in my life as well, that helped me along the way. My Mom who fought and did all that she could to help me, believed me and loved me. My Grandma who always pointed me to Jesus and talked to me endlesly about Him and all of the millions of questions I had about Him and the Bible. Beneta, my safe person and counselor who taught me that Jesus sees me as pure, beautiful and innocent and helped me properly see Gods grace and love for me. My Seattle church pastors and community who redeemed the hurt I felt by my previous experience and helped nurture my love of Gods people again, and a joy for serving the church. My current San Diego church and community who have been so incredibly supportive of me, and my blog, and who want to be better educated on this subject.

I’ve learned along the way to fight against the lies that we can believe with Gods truths. And the truth is, God loves you even if you don’t love him back. He grieves with you, seeks justice for you and wants healing for you. The most beautiful depiction of this is the cross. ” All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith.” Romans 3:23-25

Healing is a long journey, with many struggles along the way, but there is hope for your healing.

The importance of survivor stories.

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“I’m continually blown away at the strength of survivors telling their stories. After years of abuse they know that telling their story will garner attacks by ignorant people, and they still tell. All the more reason we need to encourage and honor survivors. ” Jimmy Hinton

Survivor stories will play a huge role in decreasing the statistics on sexual assault. I’m thankful our culture is starting to listen and want to be educated on this epidemic. Here are a few ways Survivor stories will play a powerful role in that.

They will help us understand and identify all the different type predators and the methods they use to abuse.

A great example of two different ways predators operate have been shown recently in the two documentaries, Surviving R Kelly and Leaving Neverland. R Kelly used his fame and young girls wanting to make it in the music industry. Then once he got them isolated from their families he was controlling, cruel and used fear to abuse them. Micheal Jackson also used his fame to his advantage, but instead of using fear to control he convinced his victims that he was the victim, and needed them to help him not be lonely and to make up for his lost childhood. He used love and gifts to abuse them.

Survivors telling their stories also help other survivors begin their healing process. No matter what your story is, it’s important and helpful. I think often times people shy away from sharing their story because they think they didn’t have it as bad as someone else, and that is absolutely untrue. If you remember everything or if your memories are fuzzy both of your stories are important. If your abuse occurred over years or it was only once, both stories are valid and helpful. If you knew your abuser or it was a stranger, both stories need to be heard. If you told and turned your abuser in or you have never told a single soul, both stories will be relatable to someone. If you are healed or just starting the process both stories can help save lives. Both men and and women’s stories are equally as important and desperately need to be heard. All stories matter.

Survivors stories help us better educate and teach our children how to protect themselves, as well as making it harder for predators to operate.

I pray that our world will be a kinder and safer space for these stories to be told, and for those telling their stories now, I stand with you, and respect you pushing through the evil for the greater good.

Narrative change

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One of the biggest narratives I would love to be a part of changing is that if you are a survivor of childhood sexual assault, then your future is doomed and you forever will be a mess. That simply is not true. I don’t want to downplay the trauma and the trials that do come along with being a survivor, but no one is ever hopeless because of any trauma they have gone through. I know many survivors who are incredibly successful, heathy, loving people, who went through hell and came through it with more compassion, strength and love for others than most. Let’s stop this lie and be a part of rooting people on for healing and hope. Here are some of my thoughts on how to start changing this narrative.

Encourage survivors to seek professional help. I have been in counseling most of my life off and on and it has been huge on helping me to be able to recover from my trauma and flourish in the way God intended my life to be. It is never too late to seek help and start the healing process.

Correct people when they make negative or hopeless comments. I know this one is kinda scary, but it’s something that I have been doing that last couple of years, and if you do it in a kind way I have found they appreciate the honesty and perspective.

Listen to survivors stories, they are incredibly powerful, insightful and bring so much truth on this subject and can really help change some people’s assumptions about survivors.

This world can be hard, and unfortunately no one gets out without some type of pain or hardship, but no one is ever too far gone or defined by it. Let’s help people find hope.

The book that helped me heal.

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Have you ever read a book you wish everyone would read, not just because it’s written well but because it’s gonna help save lives? That’s exactly how I feel about Rid Of My Disgrace by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb. This book was crucial in my healing from sexual assault. The book has a wealth of knowledge, not only for survivors but for anyone who wants to help in the prevention, education, and support of sexual assault victims. I’m going to highlight some of my favorite parts of the book, and what was particularly helpful for me. But do yourself a favor and read this book.

“Disgrace destroys, causes pain, deforms, and wounds. It alienates and isolates.” “Grace is love that seeks you out even if you have nothing to give in return.” The book starts off with these two definitions and immediately I was hooked. Unlike the millions of the books I had read on this subject, I could tell this one was going toget to the heart of the issue and be a tool for real healing.

The first part of the book really goes into detail defining what sexual assault is and the effects it has on the victim. One quote that really struck a chord with me was, “Many victims feel the effects of sexual assault but are isolated or confused because they believed a popular misconception of what sexual assault entails.” One of the ways I would cope with being a survivor was to minimize the traumas that happened to me, and this lengthy explanation helped me to fully understand and grieve the sins committed against me.

The last part of the book has survivors stories, which is such a powerful, helpful, and hard thing to hear, but it really made me feel less alone and more understood. The book ends on healing and handing over your wounds to Jesus, our healer. This book left me feeling so loved by God, and so hopeful for my future. I’ll end this with another beautiful truth from the book. “Grace re-creates what violence destroyed.”

I hope this book is as helpful to you as it was to me.

It gets better.

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It gets better,

little by little and day by day.

It gets better,

you find your voice and the shame fades away.

It gets better,

you’re freed from the anger and love takes its place.

It gets better,

lies lose their power and truth finds its way.

It gets better,

you find hope in the hopeless and help others do the same.