It gets better,
little by little and day by day.
It gets better,
you find your voice and the shame fades away.
It gets better,
you’re freed from the anger and love takes its place.
It gets better,
lies lose their power and truth finds its way.
It gets better,
you find hope in the hopeless and help others do the same.
“To forgive is to “swallow” evil and prevent it from going further.” Tolstoy
2010 was a huge year for me, I turned 30, went to Africa and London, but nothing would compare to the miraculous gift God gave me that year.
While I was in Africa, we were talking one evening with some of the people of the village and they were telling us there were a lot of young girls pregnant because the men in that village were raping them. Because they were pregnant they were kicked out of school and the men were not being held accountable in any way. They were understandably outraged as was I. I couldn’t talk or hear another word, I went to my room and cried all night. That was the angriest I have ever felt, I truly hated those men and felt I could have killed them in that moment.
After that trip, I was still completely heartbroken for those girls and processing a lot. I was in a church service and the topic was on forgiveness. I felt God nudge me to write a letter to my dad ( my abuser).
I wanted nothing to do with that. I told God I wouldn’t do it unless it was sincere, and the only thing I was sincere about with my dad was how much I hated him. God kept nudging me to just write. I finally started and as I began to type the first word the Holy Spirit overwhelmed me and completely melted my hard heart towards my dad. Jesus wrecked me with his grace and forgiveness for me. I felt free and so completely loved by God. I was free from being enslaved to my anger, I was freed from being a victim and I was free to let God handle and judge the sins of abusers. Forgiveness for my abuser was a miracle that only God could perform and was a life changing amazing gift to receive.
The LORD reigns forever; he has established his throne for judgment. He rules the world in righteousness and judges the people with equity. The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you. Psalm 9:7-10
We all need a safe person, and Beneta was mine. Beneta was my mom’s best friend. They met at church while my mom was pregnant with me and my twin brother. Even while writing this, I realized God’s grace in bringing her into my life while I was still in the womb, knowing that He would use her in such a huge way in my life.
Beneta was so many wonderful things, a truly uniquely gifted woman in almost every way. But what always stood out to me the most was what a godly, compassionate women she was.
Beneta was a survivor of sexual assault from a family member. She became a Christian counselor and helped a lot of people, including myself.
One of the biggest lies I believed when I was younger, was that I was dirty and washed up, and that no Christian man would ever want me. The thought of having to explain to my future husband that my dad was my abuser just shackled me with shame. I felt hopeless.
Beneta’s life made me feel hopeful, she was married to a godly man, was a wonderful mother, and was using her hardships to help others- all in the name of Jesus. I admired her so much and wanted my life to be like hers.
Beneta passed away in 1999. I was 19 years old at that time, and weeks before she passed, she helped me write one of the hardest letters of my life. I miss her so much, and cherish the time I had with her. I’m so thankful God used her to bring me closer to Him.
I wrote her a letter after her passing and I’ll end this the same way I did when I was 19.
I can’t wait to sing with you heaven.
This post is meant for adults who have been abused in the past. If someone is a minor or is currently being abused, they need help immediately. http://rain.org has great resources on how to help. Their hotline is available 24/7 at 800.656.4673.
When a survivor is telling you their story, they are letting you in on a very private part of their life. It’s an incredibly vulnerable and hard thing to share. It’s also a hard thing to hear and often hard to know how to respond appropriately. I’ve recieved some hurtful responses by well-meaning people who just had a lack of understanding on this subject. Here are some of my insights on helpful responses.
1. Just listen.
Let them lead the conversation and reveal the details they are comfortable with sharing. It’s human nature to want to know all the details, but don’t ask for them. When a survivor is telling you any part of their story they are reliving a very traumatic event. The most helpful response is listening without prying.
2. Tell them you believe them.
If someone says they have been a victim, just believe them. The majority of victims truly have nothing to gain by opening up and, for most, it’s an embarrassing and shameful thing to admit. According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, false reporting on sexual assault is between 2% and 10%. Every 98 seconds an American is sexually assaulted and every 11 minutes, that victim is a child. Please just believe them.
3. Ask them how you can support them.
Everyone feels supported differently and by simply asking that question, they can share how they want to be supported. A few of the ways I’ve felt most supported have been a simple “Thank you for sharing” or “How can I pray for you?” Encouraging words go along way and have made me feel heard, believed, and cared for.
Victor not Victim 